see, the problem is, there's no good way to say "i love you, but not enough to do this right now. and i would very much like to try again someday...and maybe you could still move here. but not to live with me. only because you want to."

she's 22 and is about to graduate from college. i want her to look for jobs everywhere and mostly i want for her to be happy. and if she just happened to find a job here that she really really wanted...i would be [more than] happy to have her around.
but only if it was because she really wanted the job here. i am not ready to have someone move somewhere to be with me. it would make me feel trapped.

that is why i ended it.

and it doesn't help that i have a girl waiting in the wings.
a girl who is 25 and lives in the same city as me and makes me laugh and turns me on and makes me forget that some people take life really seriously.
and she never gets involved with people younger than her -- but she wants me and she can't help it. and she tells me that i send off "danger!" signals and that she can tell that i'm trouble.
but she can't help it.
and neither can i.

when i met her we were both just looking for platonic friends. and somehow this happened and after 8 months of buildup, things have started to come to a head and it is pretty exciting to be me right now.
or, it would be, if i didn't feel like such a dick about all of this.

but i can't make it go away.
it's still exciting.