After a wild Fourth, I woke up this morning along with the girlfriend (at her house), who had to go to work. I, being a teacher, did not.

So the plan was for me to wake up with her and then I go to my house during the day to take care of...I dunno, stuff. Like cleaning out my...life for reasons that I will go into in a while.

Anywho, I woke up, felt vomitous and decided just to stay here today. I have thrown up a wee bit and I'm feeling better. Physically anyway.

Let's move on to the emotional and mental, shall we?

I should have made an outline. I don't know where to go first with this.

The girlfriend has asked me to move in. I have said yes. So at some point (no date set yet, but I'll have to find a new tenant for my room) I will be moving in to her place (she also has 2 other roommates).

It feels weird.

I have all these thoughts, wonderings, about whether or not I am doing the right thing. We love each other very much. Continuing to live as far apart as we do (thank you, public transportation!) will take a toll on our relationship. My cost of living will be cut in half (while I will be getting a raise, due to my shiny new masters degree as well as it being my 3rd year of teaching) and it will give me an opportunity to save some money (which has not been an option, living where I currently live).

At the same time...could this decision be the demise of our relationship? What if she decides that I'm just really annoying? What if neither of us gets enough alone time and we wind up resenting each other? What if the longer commute really gets to me?

I have never lived with a significant other before. She has lived with 2/3 of hers.

I'm going to do it, though.
When I break things down - it's what I feel is the right thing to do. All the concerns -- and NO, I am not ignoring them. I WILL deal with them, one at a time -- are mostly just byproducts of my ever-present anxiety.

I know this.

--

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel loved the way that I want to be loved. Intellectually, I understand that the girlfriend loves me. Usually, I feel it.

Sometimes, though, I wish she'd do a little bit more to show me that she cares about me. I NEED to feel that I am special. I don't mean grand gestures and overblown notions of romance...small things. Little reminders that she carries me with her throughout the day.

In my last relationship, my girlfriend did a lot to make sure that I knew she thought I was special. And I felt smothered. Is that because she was just not the right person for me (would I be comfortable with the same level of attention from someone else), or is it because I am so deeply committed to dissatisfaction?

It's interesting, though, that as I write this out, I cannot think of one thing I would have my girlfriend do differently. She DOES show me that she cares.

I think that what I'm afraid to say is...it would really kill me if I ever lost her.

/most disjointed entry of all time.