I am fat.

I'm not fat in the "I would like to lose 20 pounds way." I'm fat in the I'm 5'8" and 200+ pounds way.

I wear a size 20 on the bottom and a size 16 on the top.

Mostly I don't really mind it and it's not something I think about that often. I come from an overweight family and I've probably been overweight since the fourth grade or so. I don't actually know what it's like to be thin. Honestly, I don't really think my life would be that different or better because really, my life is pretty effing great.

Anyway. The fact that I am, indeed, fat was brought to my attention last Friday night. My former department chair (she now works higher up in the D.O.E.) joined us for some after work drinks. She got drunk and with wide, teary eyes confided in me that she "knows what it's like and knows how people judge you." To be fair, she is about 5'4" (and is Pakistani -- very small frame and bones) and for much of her life was seriously overweight (I think her high point was 215 pounds).

Seriously, though, isn't it taboo to bring up someone's weight like that? Whatever, we were both drunk and I thanked her for her empathy and gave my spiel that I just gave a few paragraphs earlier.

Since then, I've been unbelievably aware of my size -- it's been a constant stream of thoughts, much like a steady stream of anxieties.

Today I called in to work (not because I'm fat. because I'm hungover. shhhh. teehee.) and browed this site, which I first read several years ago.

I've decided to try to get down a few thoughts about what being fat really means in my experience.

Being fat means...

I have to buy pants and jeans from Lane Bryant, because they make sizes and shapes that fit my frame.

Even though I would actually rather drink diet sodas (they taste the same to me, so why deal with the extra calories), I don't order them because I feel that doing so draws extra attention to my weight.

Men on subways rarely offer their seats to me. Even when I've got a billion heavy bags. I've actually seen them watch me walk past, then offer their seat to a pretty young thing. Nice.

When I climb a lot of stairs, I go more quickly than I need to and try very hard to suppress my heavy breathing -- so others won't be aware of how exhausting it is for me sometimes.

People look at me and automatically assume that I must be desperate to lose weight.*

I get dirty looks from strangers when I eat non-slimming food in public. Bunch of judgemental fucks.

I also get sympathetic looks when I order a salad. Listen. When I order a salad it's for one of two reasons: either I want one or I need one because I need the, uh, ruffage.

I get plenty of guys who flirt with me because they assume no one else will flirt with the fat girl. Like charity.

People tell me what a beautiful face I have. It's true. I have a very attractive face. But darnit -- I also have full, perky breasts and a round, firm ass.

Students giggle when my butt winds up all chalky (though this could happen to a thin teacher just as easily) or when it accidentally knocks papers off of their desks. I giggle too, because it's funny.

I hate the Summer because besides being all hot and sweaty, I feel like I can't wear shorts, a majority of tank tops and sundresses (not that I really want to wear sundresses, anyway).

I love when Fall finally arrives (BTW it is October 10 -- where are you fall?!) because it is HOODIE WEATHER!

And lastly, being fat means that everyone seems to feel entitled to have an opinion on my body and my lifestyle.

*I am not desperate to lose weight. I know that I probably should, for health reasons if nothing else. I don't want to wind up with diabetes or heart problems. It's not really a pressing issue at this time.

I just like eating what I feel like eating (within reason, obviously) and I really like beer. And smoking things that give you the munchies. Heh. And I don't want food/drink to become this...enemy. I want to enjoy it. That's what really scares me.

Besides health reasons, I have no real motivation to lose weight. My life is pretty great. I have a fulfilling job -- a job that I love and that I am good at. I have terrific friends. I have someone who really, really loves me. And I love her madly in return.

Plenty of people have breaking points where they decide that they are going to lose weight, whatever it takes. Maybe I don't have one.

When I finally do decide to lose weight, though, I hope it will be because I want to, and not because other people have made me feel so bad about being fat.